


Breathe. Steady. Fine.

by 9moons



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, M/M, Slight fluff, comfort fic?? maybe idk what to tag this as, slight angst, they're not in a proper relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-17
Updated: 2020-02-17
Packaged: 2021-02-28 03:54:47
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,504
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22767334
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/9moons/pseuds/9moons
Summary: Baekhyun thought he was enough of a master to deal with this. Unexpected as it was, he’d concealed his grief for the family dog, and his grandma the year after that, so he could cover up a rejection letter. Piece of cake.
Relationships: Byun Baekhyun/Do Kyungsoo | D.O
Comments: 2
Kudos: 36





	Breathe. Steady. Fine.

**Author's Note:**

> i'm not sure what this is, i wrote it in one go at 3am because i couldn't sleep and i miss baeksoo. it's now 5am. enjoy?

Baekhyun thought he was pretty good at hiding his real feelings.

After all, he’d been doing it ever since he left elementary school. He’d practically perfected the art of masking. As long as he laughed loud enough, made sure the big toothy grin reached his eyes, no one suspected a thing. Following that up with something random and witty made sure everyone became too distracted to catch how his voice trailed off or how the sunken hollows under his eyes had only deepened.

Baekhyun thought he was enough of a master to deal with this. Unexpected as it was, he’d concealed his grief for the family dog, and his grandma the year after that, so he could cover up a rejection letter. Piece of cake.

He just didn’t expect the letter to be sent to his email so soon, or while he was sat with his friends in the school cafeteria. He didn’t quite prepare himself to read that his dream university had to ‘regretfully inform’ him that he wasn’t good enough for them. Maybe he should have obeyed the ‘no phones during lunch’ policy.

His peripheral vision was closing in on him, but he could mask it, no problem.

Control. Breathe. Steady. Fine.

Breathe.

Breathe.

_It’s fine._

Breathe.

A grip on his shoulder shook his vision back into focus.

“Earth to Baekhyun?” Jongdae looked at him quizzically. He had a spot of ketchup on the corner of his mouth, right where his lips curled upwards. “You okay?”

“Yeah sorry I was distracted by something on my phone. What were you talking about?” He had to tap his knees to stop himself from clawing his own face.

“What were you looking at?” Chanyeol yelled from down the table, mouth stuffed full of the type of crusty, half-stale bread they only serve at schools. Just like that, the whole table was paying attention to him.

First, the big grin. He stretched his mouth wide even though he could feel bits of his chicken sandwich in his teeth. Next, something dumb to divert the conversation. “Big titty anime girls,” Baekhyun said with the most serious tone. “Obviously.” There was a collective snort from his friends.

“I wouldn’t put it past you for that to actually be true,” Jongin remarked between sips of his smoothie.

“Oh I’m deadly serious.” Baekhyun shovelled the last of his meal down his throat. His palms were all sweaty.

“The real question is,” Sehun spat out between bites, “On the school wifi?”

“What else is the wifi for?” Baekhyun tried his best to smile at Sehun.

“Well if you’re Chanyeol, I guess weird furry porn?” Jongdae smirked.

“Shut up Dae, for the last time I’m not a furry!”

Just like that, the table descended into chaotic bickering.

Finally, the getaway. Baekhyun was so glad no one was looking when he stood up. His legs felt like jelly as he stumbled around his chair, picking up his jacket and tray. He couldn’t even tell whether his words had sounded right over the roaring of blood through his skull.

“You’re leaving already?” Kyungsoo’s voice was barely audible over the pounding of his heart.

“Yeah, I have to go do an essay.” Kyungsoo was looking at him funny, but Kyungsoo had a tendency to stare like that so it was probably okay.

“What essay?” He twirled his fork around in his pasta but his eyes never left Baekhyun.

“Just something from a while ago, something long overdue. I- I just really need to get it done or I’ll get in trouble.” Baekhyun was so sure his legs were going to give out at any moment.

“You want any of us to come with?” He’d stopped twirling his fork.

“No that’s okay, I’d just get distracted. Anyway, see you later.” Baekhyun sharply turned on his heels, already chucking his tray away before he could hear a response.

He locked himself inside an empty music practice room and hid under the piano. The open email on his phone glared bright, taunting him. He must have reread those first few sentences at least twenty times. Definitely a rejection. Definitely from the university’s official admissions email address. He’d definitely lost his chance of going to the place he always wanted to, along with his hope of ever making it anywhere and accomplishing anything.

No matter how many times he reopened the mail app or restarted his phone, the email was there, it was real. The words etched into his brain. Unable to offer him a place for this year. They tried to make it seem like their fault, but really Baekhyun knew it was his own. He didn’t practice enough for his audition and his submitted composition was boring and maybe he was just never as talented as everyone always said he was.

He always thought music and singing was the one thing that set him apart but truly he was just like everyone else. He lived the same dull life as everyone else and he was destined to be a failure just like half the population of his terrible town.

His eyes blurred. His chest ached. The campus had been so nice and everyone was so friendly and the practice rooms weren’t boxes like this one but had proper pianos and big windows to let in lots of light during the day. The societies. The location. The opportunities. All of it had been perfect. Except Baekhyun.

The bell rang.

Control. Breathe. Steady. Fine.

Breathe.

Breathe.

_Don’t cry._

Breathe.

He peeled himself off the floor and made it through the last lessons of the day in a daze. He hoped the mask would conceal his shaking legs and trembling fingers. All he could hear was his own head telling him how much of a disappointment he was. He didn’t know how to go home and tell his parents. He couldn’t even bring himself to look at his own reflection.

Kyungsoo joined him on the walk home. He had tried his best to avoid everyone at the end of the day but Kyungsoo had tagged along. Baekhyun did his best to recall a bunch of stories from his day. Each moment of silence, however brief, crushed his ribs and wrapped its hands around his throat. He practically let out a sigh of relief when they reached Kyungsoo’s street.

He was finishing up some boring anecdote from a chemistry class the other day when Kyungsoo cut him off.

“Baekhyun, what’s up?”

“The sky,” he replied with a teasing smile. Kyungsoo always laughed at his dumb jokes. This time, his lips didn’t even slightly twitch.

“You’re acting weird.”

“I am weird, we’ve been friends for years, you should know this by now.” Baekhyun’s shirt started to feel all tight around his neck.

“Well, I’ve been friends with you long enough to know that you’re not acting right today.” An empty chuckle. They stopped walking a few metres down from Kyungsoo’s house.

Baekhyun didn’t know how to reply, he could only wonder how Kyungsoo was able to catch on. He tried to think of when he’d let the mask fall, and whether the others had caught it too.

“Baekhyun?” Kyungsoo’s eyes bore into his own. Those eyes always made each day so much brighter, but right now all Baekhyun could feel was shame.

He didn’t want to talk about anything, didn’t want Kyungsoo’s pity. Kyungsoo knew more than anyone how much Baekhyun wanted to go there. He wouldn’t be able to live with himself if he had to deal with Kyungsoo’s sad eyes for the next few weeks. He didn’t want anyone else to feel disappointed because of him, not his friends and especially not Kyungsoo.

“I’m just tired today, that’s all.”

For a moment, it looked like Baekhyun had made it out. The perfect getaway. He stepped to make his way home.

“What did you read at lunch? On your phone?” Kyungsoo knew.

Baekhyun trembled. The words couldn’t find the way out of his throat. His eyes stayed glued to the gravel path in front of his feet.

“It’s okay if you don’t want to talk about it.” The air was chilly. Kyungsoo reached out to pat Baekhyun’s arm. “I just want to make sure you’re okay.”

Baekhyun opened his mouth to speak but when he looked up, he found himself blinking back tears.

Kyungsoo always knew what to do. “Let’s go inside.”

Just like that, Baekhyun let himself be led through the front door, all the way up to Kyungsoo’s bedroom. He nestled on Kyungsoo’s half-made bed. It was comforting enough being there. Reminded him of countless nights they spent cuddled up, watching movies. It was not the right time to be thinking of that. The room was safety and warmth, but Baekhyun was sure most of that came from Kyungsoo himself.

They sat on the edge of the bed, with Kyungsoo’s arm thrown around Baekhyun. There was no pressure to talk, but he still felt like he owed Kyungsoo an explanation.

Breathe. Steady. Breathe.

“They rejected me.”

That was all Baekhyun could get out before the tears started springing to his eyes. He fell into Kyungsoo’s side, who didn’t say anything but welcomed him with a reassuring touch.

Baekhyun sobbed. He cried out the hurt of rejection and the stress of upcoming exams and the fears for his future onto Kyungsoo’s shoulder. His muffled cries filled the room. Kyungsoo soothingly patted his arm.

“I’m such a failure,” Baekhyun finally choked out, eyes sore and head pounding.

“Don’t say things that aren’t true.”

“But it is true?” Baekhyun sat up. “Everyone expected me to get in, my parents, my teachers, all you guys but I didn’t. I failed to live up to everyone’s expectations, did I not? I failed to reach my own goals. It’s true...”

“Everyone supported you in applying, but no one’s going to be mad or disappointed that you didn’t get in. No matter what, we’re all proud of you. Making it to auditions is incredible in itself. Do you know how many people get rejected straight off the bat?”

“Somehow it’s worse. They liked me on paper but not my performance or who I actually am.” Baekhyun sniffled into his sleeve.

“You can’t be so sure of that. You said they clapped for you.” Kyungsoo passed him a tissue.

“Pity claps.”

“How do you know?” Kyungsoo’s hand dropped from Baekhyun’s shoulder.

“I just do, okay?”

Kyungsoo grabbed Baekhyun’s face in his hands to look him in the eyes directly. “No, not okay. Baekhyun you have got to stop putting yourself down. You’re the best singer this area has ever seen and you’re an amazing person.”

“You’re only saying that because-”

“Because what? I care about you? That doesn’t mean it’s not true.” Baekhyun opened his mouth but Kyungsoo moved his hand over it. “Baekhyun, you truly are good enough to get in anywhere, the teachers don’t just say that for fun. This just means wherever accepts you is where you’re meant to be.”

Baekhyun wanted to cry again. Kyungsoo truly was warmth.

“I still feel like a failure though,” Baekhyun spoke into Kyungsoo’s hand.

“That’s normal Baekhyun. You’re allowed to be upset, you’re just not allowed put yourself down. The feeling will pass.” Kyungsoo finally returned his hands to Baekhyun’s arm.

“I just don’t know what my options are.” Baekhyun’s head hung low.

“You can figure that out tomorrow with your parents and school will help too. There are options.” Kyungsoo kept rubbing little circles into Baekhyun’s shoulders.

“I don’t know if they’ll let me reapply next year.”

“Did they tell you in the email?”

“I don’t know, it was really long and I didn’t really feel up for reading the whole thing,” Baekhyun shrugged. He opened up the email and passed it over to Kyungsoo before collapsing back on the bed. Reading those first few sentences again would have made him throw up.

Kyungsoo squinted down at the phone for what seemed like forever. Finally, he broke the silence.

“Baekhyun, are you kidding me?” Kyungsoo laughed in disbelief.

“What?” Baekhyun pulled himself up.

“Baekhyun, the email was long for a reason. They’re giving you a place for next year.” Baekhyun nearly jumped out of his skin.

“You’re joking.” He grabbed his phone back, scanned through the long text after the first paragraph. Sure enough, they hadn’t been able to offer him a place for this year, something about having an unusually high number of applicants and needing to accommodate more graduate students this year. Quite frankly, Baekhyun didn’t care. “They want to give me the place because they know I’ll actually take the offer since I’m so enthusiastic?!” Baekhyun couldn’t believe it. He got Kyungsoo to confirm it was real another two times.

He jumped about Kyungsoo’s room, yelling at the top of his lungs and at last Kyungsoo was laughing along with him from his bed.

“I told you, wherever accepts you is where you’re meant to be. You always wanted to take a year out anyway,” Kyungsoo smiled. His eyes looked so much better when they were sparkling with joy. Baekhyun pulled him in for a bone-crushing hug, refusing to let go.

“Thank you,” he mumbled into Kyungsoo’s shoulder.

“You shouldn’t be thanking me, you made it all by yourself.” He patted Baekhyun’s back.

“I know but still…”

They curled up in bed, with Baekhyun still wrapped around Kyungsoo. After a while, Baekhyun spoke up.

“How did you know?”

“I went to the library after lunch to check on you but you weren’t there. But I didn’t even need that to know, your face went all pale when you checked your phone.” Kyungsoo’s hands idly played with Baekhyun’s hair.

“You could tell?”

“I notice these things Baekhyun. It’s quite easy to tell when you’re not feeling okay, especially when we’ve known you for so long.” Baekhyun could only respond to that with a sigh.

There was a long pause. “You don’t have to put up a front you know?

“I don’t,” Baekhyun huffed. Kyungsoo gave him one of those looks. “I just…” He trailed off, unsure of whether to keep talking. “Fuck it, I’ve already been very emotionally vulnerable with you today. Fine. I put up a front sometimes because I don’t want to burden other people with my problems. There.”

“You’re not a burden, you’re our friend. We want you to be okay. As much as we joke around, we’ll still be serious and listen when we need to. At least I definitely will.”

“I know you will, because you care so much.” Kyungsoo smiled at that and Baekhyun felt his insides melt. “I care about you too.”

“I know you do, otherwise you wouldn’t have let yourself cry an ocean onto my shirt.”

Baekhyun tickled Kyungsoo’s side. “Hey! I didn’t cry that much.” There was that look again. “Okay fine, I did cry a lot so thank you very much for letting me do that.”

“Anytime.”

Baekhyun could only hug Kyungsoo tighter.

Comfort. Safety. Warmth. Happiness.

Breathe.

Breathe.

_You did it._

Breathe.

**Author's Note:**

> hope you enjoyed whatever this was? this is my first time ever posting on ao3 so i'd really appreciate it if you let me know what you think. have a lovely day/night^^


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